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 A not so quiet day at the Fartican! (OAFS/open) 
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Stablehand

Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 2:58 pm
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Location: The Fartican!
Post A not so quiet day at the Fartican! (OAFS/open)
OOC: Alas! It is time for the OAFS to do a little questing, as The Poop shows initiative to RETURN the ROD! It's like 1095 A.D. all over again!
----

A gentle breeze passed the square of the Fartican, the Phallic See, as a small round man made his way past the collonades. In his hands he held a few manuscripts, drained in a mixture of sweat and ink. His eyes fluttered around the square, eyeing the Church of St. Porckie and it's decorations. He saw all kinds of fish, statues of great rod-wielders and the behinds of many foes, all hewn out of stone. And yet, judging by the way his feet appeared to be glued to the pavingstones, the small round man knew that the decay of this Phallic Capital had persisted. A stranger might have suggested that the stuff that literally plattered the countryside might have been seagull-poo, but he knew beter. He was Bonifaeces, Poopal Scribe, Official Administrator and, amongst other things, very fat. In his hands he held the result of a survey held amongst OAFISH lands, a survey which might just help get some sense into this story...

" Let me pass, Official Poopal Business! "

The two square-guards backed away, unwillingly aided by a sudden case of bureacratiophobia. Bonifaeces limped towards the chamber of his master, the Poop - overseeër of the religious life of the OAFS. He stumbled in just in time to see the overlord retrieving his head from his collarbone. The Poop was a very small and old, yet beardless dwarf. On his head he wore the head of a decapitated mushroom and one of his hobbies is looking at insects which aren´t really there...

" Ahhhh....the sweet smell of ripe tumbleweed in the early morning!! "

" Not quite, sir...it's me Bonifaeces'"

" Boni...faeces? ---...oh look! a Grasshopper!--- " , the Poop looked happily at the yellow goblet, which in non-poopal eyes was indeed a goblet and not a cricket.

" Yes sir! I have brought you the BOR! " ] Bonifaeces, accustomed to these poopal oddities, wisely ignored these insect-visions and tried to speak to the small man with the visable chin.

" A...boar!?!?!....you interupted me just to show off your new sextoy!? "

" No sir.. it's the B.O.R. , Bi-annual Onanistic Report! "

" Ahh!! This is important, is there any sign of an increase in Onanistic Activity which could have lead up to the whitening of our lands!? ---And why is there a butterfly in my soup!?---"

" Funny you should say that sir, but there is! Not the butterflies, m'lord, but there is an increase in onanism amongst oafs, and this IS the reason for our lands becoming increasingly white and fruitless!"

" Ack..I knew it! These OAFS can't keep their hands to themselves...and they told us it was snow!! "

"What should we do, my Poopal Patron? "

" When did this increase begin? ---Welll heeeelllooo pretty ant!!------- " , the Poop looked seductively at his purple and wooly carpet.

" At the Dawning of the New Age m'lord, right after the Rod was stolen and Porckie disappeared! "

"I've got it! The only thing which will save us from this white gobby mess and the only thing which will make travelling through our lands possible without waterproof shoelaces is the RETURN OF THE ROD! ----I will make turgid love to you!!!---- We must assemble all rod-wielders! " , having said this, the Poop threw himself at the purple rug and started his mating-attempt.

*CENSORED*

Just as he saw the Poop pretending to be an ejactulating ant, Bonifaeces bowed to his Poopal Principle and hurried off, trying to touch his knees with his tongue in the process...

*** Pling! ***

Lo! We jumped through a temporal fortex and have arrived 2 hours later than when we left Bonifaeces licking his knees. An amazing sight was to be seen at the square of the Fartican: a dozen canoes were seen leaving the Phallic See, travelling over the cum-covered hills of the Poopal Lands. All of them bore a message directed to any rod-friendly person, which said:

Hail, Friend of the Rod!
The Fartican turns your attention to your floor, covered in white gobby mess; the result of our very own handiwork! It is time we placed our hands on something even more sacred than our own private rods...
In works of old there is a legend of the Allmighty Fishingrod, whereof our Order got his name. This rod, wielded by our missing patronsaint Porckie, must be returned and lead us to victory!
Therefore, the Poop hereby ordains you to come to the Fartican, where a Crusade will be launched; a Crusade to return the Rod and de-sperm OAFISH lands!


Tue Jun 29, 2004 4:21 pm
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Stablehand

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Post mission
In an instant the sexual tension that filled Chirons entire body left, yet again pleasured by reeling of his personal rod chiron relaxed in his reclining wooden stump of a chair

looking across his snowish covered room Syphus felt something was amiss. In the months of his absence from the OAFS Chiron had entered a delapadated state. Nothing but slouching around drinking moose piss ale and whoring around with gnome hookers.

Something began to tickle inside him, was it his rod again? NO!!! it was his stomach. A sixth no maybe a ninth sense was telling him something was wrong.

yes wrong but where, hmm... Oh yes the Fartican was in need of Syphus's skills or lack of skills again. This was his calling. Finally a quest to accomplish, a journey to undertake.

Grabbing his leather war pants from his dresser Chiron began to put them on.

ACK... they would not fit. In his months of slouching Chirons waist had grown wide. No worry though. It was not uncommon for Syphus to run nude through the lands of the OAFS, yes perhaps Isonia wished him to be nude in this mission. Standing full frontal in the mirror Syphus began to meditate for the journey ahead.

Mind set Chiron set out for Fartican, it was time to return to the true oafish ways.

_________________
Some People Spend an Entire Lifetime Wondering if They Made a Difference in the World. But, the Marines Don't Have that Problem. (President Ronald Reagan 1985) OAFS VM


Wed Jun 30, 2004 5:51 am
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Post JEEJ.....
In peace time the stronghold was quiet, no panicking soldiers, no burning horses and not the smell of sweaty men who didn’t had the time to wash. Except for Foy who refused to wash his lovely, sticky hairy chest. So what better to do than have as much quality time as possible.

Foy walked with his favorite newspaper, the Rotten Rod Talk to his golden toilet. He sat down and felt the heads pushing down.

” Hmmm…. yeah this is nice. “

He dropped a bit and pushed the rest above again.

” Ohh…. my Isonia this is nice… very nice indeed. “

The little dwarf was to busy to hear some footsteps coming closer at a high pace.

” Ahum…. “

” Hmmm…. come out… wherever you are… hihi “

” Uhmm… sorry my lord Foy? “

” Hmmm…… Hehe… Uhmmmm….. Huh? “

” My lord Foy, do you have a minute. I bear a message from the Fartican…. They said it was urgent and I should deliver it personally, but can you get out? “

” Uhhh…. I’ll hurry up, just walk backwards and wait a few moments. “

So much for some good quality time. Foy had to hurry up and let a tidal wave of green/brown yoghurt like fluid out of his bottom. He opened the door and walked to the messenger with a sweaty face.

The messenger gave the parchment to Foy and hurried away. Foy frowned, what was wrong with him? He read the parchment and smiled. At last, the time has come again for an adventure, but at the same time worried about the need of success.

Hail, Friend of the Rod!
The Fartican turns your attention to your floor, covered in white gobby mess; the result of our very own handiwork! It is time we placed our hands on something even more sacred than our own private rods...
In works of old there is a legend of the Allmighty Fishingrod, whereof our Order got his name. This rod, wielded by our missing patronsaint Porckie, must be returned and lead us to victory!
Therefore, the Poop hereby ordains you to come to the Fartican, where a Crusade will be launched; a Crusade to return the Rod and de-sperm OAFISH lands!


Foy saddled his hog and rode out of the gates of the stronghold. The soldiers waved, the priests preached and the beer was offered to Isonia all in the hope for a good ending ending. They knew what afflicted the lands of Foy. All the hop trees, houses and roads were covered with a sticky white mess. Seagull poo called by some, but Foy knew better. His hop trees would grow much better with Seagull poo…. but they didn’t grow at all at this moment. If nothing happened, there would be no harvest and that would mean closed taps.

He didn’t have the nerves to think about that.

He rode to the Fartican and waited there before the church of st. Porckie in the hope of meeting some familiar faces. He was excited about this quest but also afraid of the ending… Would they prevent the coming chaos of walking on waterproof shoelaces instead of walking on bear feet? Would they save the beer for the coming season and would they find his old friend Porckie???

He did not know, and emptied his nostrils to kill time.

_________________
I did not cry when Bambi's mother died, I think she has found a lovely warm home on a wall.
OAFS and VM
" Now.... tell me a joke! "


Wed Jun 30, 2004 8:49 am
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Teh Spam!
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Nagash was quite worried. There was a major decrease of labour-activity in his lands, and it seemed to snow ever more. He was bent over the reports, reading and reading, and he wondered what may be wrong...

He also tried to figure out why he couldn't touch his forehead with his tongue.

Both matters were too complicated for him, as Bonifaeces marched in and asked him some questions for the B.O.R.. For some reason the Poop wanted to know how much he masturbated every day. In fact he never masturbated, for he was ever busy trying to reach his forehead with his tongue.

Bonifaeces nodded, saying "Interesting, interesting" and left off again, promising he would present the results of his survey soon.

Two weeks later, Nagash was excersizing his tongue, so that he may reach his forehead soon. To do this, he tried to reach his foreskin, which was easier. As he was doing this, a messenger came in.

" I come from the Fartican, bearing a message from the Poop!! He states that... "

" What does the old fart want now? "

Nagash interrupted him. The messenger started,

" Well, he... "

" Oh wait, don't spoil it. Is he having his knob-delirium again? That was something last year. With him standing in the doorpost of an open door with his stiff old willy out, pretending to be a door, so that people might touch his knob to open him... "

" No, he... "

" Or does he want me to come over all the way to the Fartican again, just for the fun of dismissing me again? "

" Well, actually he... "

" You know what? I don't give a flying fart!! If he smiles, he reminds me of the wrinkles on my foreskin!! Which I was successfully licking I might add. I am occupied!! Now sod off!! "

The messenger was quite taken aback by this, and left the room, startled. Before he did so, though, he left a piece of parchment on the table.

When Nagash was done with his excersises, he took up the piece of paper and read it.

Quote:
Hail, Friend of the Rod!
The Fartican turns your attention to your floor, covered in white gobby mess; the result of our very own handiwork! It is time we placed our hands on something even more sacred than our own private rods...
In works of old there is a legend of the Allmighty Fishingrod, whereof our Order got his name. This rod, wielded by our missing patronsaint Porckie, must be returned and lead us to victory!
Therefore, the Poop hereby ordains you to come to the Fartican, where a Crusade will be launched; a Crusade to return the Rod and de-sperm OAFISH lands!


The Rod!!
Ofcourse!!

The Rod had always been the solution to everything, until them blasted goblins called The Culpritz took it away and succesfully hid it from them!!

Nagash had seen all the Culpritz crucified and Porckie had vanished from that moment on. Thinking that Porckie had died, the Poop had declared Porckie a saint in the order of the almighty fishingrod. Nagash had considered dying too, for he always wanted to be a saint, but he didn't want to leave the other OAFS.

Now the search for the Rod would continue. Nagash went to the Fartican immediatly to meet up with the other Poosaders.

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Wed Jun 30, 2004 10:41 am
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Isis' eyes scanned the piece of parchment that her servant had received earlier. Then her gaze shifted to the...snow on the ground outside. Several of her villagers had become marred in this unusual snow, and Isis had at once grown worried; strange stories had come from the OAFish lands about this Rod.

Apparently it's saved them in the past, my lady, Pasha said, flipping through several scrolls that Isis had had brought up, so that her advisors could brush up on OAF history.

Well, whatever it's done, it would be nice to be rid of this.... she said, but found herself lacking for a word.

Snowstorm? Pasha offered, and Isis shrugged, really not knowing what to expect.

Saddle Bastet, she said, looking out the window to the stables where her newly acquired mare was grunting and kicking up dust. And find out where in hell this Fartican thing is located.

An hour later, Isis had finally obtained directions from a villager who had been serving in OAFish lands for many years. She mounted Bastet and took hold of the reigns, hoping the feisty mare would be able to plow through the....er....snow.

Snow my rear end, she thought, digging her heels into Bastet and setting off for the Fartican.

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--
Graag Gedaan!


Wed Jun 30, 2004 7:18 pm
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Stablehand

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Location: Okinawa Japan Baltimore Maryland
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For some reason Syphus wandered in the wrong direction on the way to the Fartican. I mean Syphus never gets lost and now he was. Ok Ok Syphus has been lost on occassion only once or twice or maybe thirty times but thats not the point.

Syphus found himself in a strange place covered in a snowish substance. The snow reminded him of his own room but that was not what was strange. It seemed a band on banjo players had gathered in this place. But none of the, banjo players were playing. They were instead hitting each other over their heads with the banjo's.

Seeing the naked Chiron they all stopped and stared. Chiron was known to the ladies as "strong like bull, hung like donkey" but that was no reason to stare. Feeling a bit out of place Syphus slowly began backing away. Smiling wearily the banjo players smiled back.
Unsheathing his sword Chiron swirled and took off at a dead sprint.

Remembering the last time he got lost he was swallowed by a three headed bog beast Chiron decided it was best to get back on the right track.

After a few more hours of wandering around aimlessly, Syphus saw the gates of the Fartican up ahead. It was time to make camp and wait for the others.

_________________
Some People Spend an Entire Lifetime Wondering if They Made a Difference in the World. But, the Marines Don't Have that Problem. (President Ronald Reagan 1985) OAFS VM


Thu Jul 01, 2004 6:58 am
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Stablehand

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" Are you sure!? "

Bob the Cop looked suspiciously at the group of people wearing broken string-instruments around their necks, who nodded their head simultaneously. This was not an act of trained synchronism however, because the stringinstruments had gotten intermingled with eachother, making them truly inseparable...

" Well paint me black and call me a cucumber-gobbling noosemonkey! The first reported crime in my parish...theft! "

Again a bow followed from the group, after which Bob turned towards a cupboard to make his thief-catching-gear ready. He got out his shiny flute, a bowl of deadly cereal and purple furred handcuffs and placed the items in a great leather bag which he fastened to his bra. A bra? Yes...a bra...Bob the Cop was a bikini-model in his spare time and he liked the way his yellow lingerie pinched off his privates...

" Right..so...you say a donkey's ding-dong was stolen...by...a naked man? Right Right...his tracks shouldn't be too hard to follow with all this snow...."

With that Bob the Cop fixed his sunglasses to his head with ducktape and left the group of banjo-bound musicians. He would find this naked man and give back the dingdong to the bereft beast of burden!


Thu Jul 01, 2004 1:23 pm
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Teh Spam!
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Having arrived at the Fartican, Nagash instantly spotted Isis, Foy and Syphus.................................... Syphus?

" SYPHUS!! Long time no see mate!! What've you been up to for the gods' sake?!? "

He then greeted Isis and Foy.

" Good of you to come! Here, I brought these.... snowboots. Best to wear them, or this gooey stuff will make your socks all wet and sticky.

Now let's look for the Rod and Porckie. And let's NOT go there."


He pointed at the Poop's Palace. Last thing Nagash wanted was to meet the drooling old sod again. He made a mental note: "hire MURcenaries to MURder the Poop and install a marionet as new Poop". But that was an issue to be solved later on.

He pointed at the hills, and asked:

" So where shall we go first? To the Fornicating Forest or to the Whispering Woods? "

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Honorary title: Verena's right nipple


Tue Jul 06, 2004 4:44 am
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Location: South Africa
Post 
Marine felt a slight shiver down his spine, as the wind whipped around from the speed he was traveling at. Marine had gotten the message from the Fartican a day before and was now making his way on his ever faithful winged unicorn Herms. Marine saw the palace and within a few minutes was hovering above Nagash, Isis, Syphus and Foy.

"Hello friends and how are you today?"

Marine noted the white covered ground around the group and decided that landing or disembarking from his ride was not a safe or a very wise move.

"Anyone need a lift and I really mean a LIFT?"

_________________
He who dares, wins.
When the Trumpets of War are Blown, I will answer its call Bearing Forth the Holy Sword of Light.
Mystical Mage of the Elders
High Elven Archer of the Twilight Forest
~OAFS~


Tue Jul 06, 2004 9:25 am
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Location: Okinawa Japan Baltimore Maryland
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After greeting Nagash and the rest of the Holy Crusauders, Syphus thought the best place to begin the search was the Whispering Woods but he didn't quite wan't to tell everyone how he knew. Shrugging back those thoughts, (I mean he is a man who travels naked) Syphus began to tell the gang the story

Well you see, one day I was walking through the turnip fields...

....stuck in a log.....


...then the fat girl wanted more...


...the cow just looked so pretty, I couldn't help myself...

...later arriving at the bar this Balrog approached speaking of a group of beautiful amazonians who crafted an artifact of emence importantance. I have no idea what it is but it sounds important. Anyways there's hot chicks there, that should be reason enough.


Signaling that his story was over to his silent crowd, Syphus waited for a decision. Looking towards the sky Syphus saw the winged beast herms approach with Marine aboard.

Ah a ride, very...

Something moved in the corner of his eye

Damn that looked like a pink bra in those bushes, nah I couldn't have been.

Easing his mind once again Syphus continued to wait

_________________
Some People Spend an Entire Lifetime Wondering if They Made a Difference in the World. But, the Marines Don't Have that Problem. (President Ronald Reagan 1985) OAFS VM


Tue Jul 06, 2004 10:14 am
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Isis had looked doubtfully at the 'snowboots' but strapped them on anyway. Looking at Bastet, who was casting foul glances in her direction (poor dear's hooves had all but rooted to the spot in the mess), Isis decided to cut her loose. She could, after all, find her way home again.

Go on, you know the way, she said, tying the reigns tightly together so they did not slap against Bastet as she ran. Go and get cleaned up....seriously. You look a frightful mess.

With a pat to the rear, Bastet had gone, and Isis turned to look up at Marine, who was hovering above them. She all but kissed him for showing up at such an opportune time, and nodded.

Yes, a ride would be in order now, Isis said, grimacing at the white stuff around them.

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Paradise = St.Maarten, Dutch West Indies aka My Home :D
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Graag Gedaan!


Tue Jul 06, 2004 10:57 am
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Location: South Africa
Post 
Marine smiled and patted the unicorn on the neck and then after a quick swig of natural spring water, Marine looked around for a white less piece of ground while asking.

"So if you want a lift you better decide among yourselves who gets to go on the unicorn and who wants to go on a cloud. I only got a one passenger seat on the unicorn."

Marine spotted a piece of land which was still brown and conjured a small cloud which gently settled down on the land while pouring out rain.

_________________
He who dares, wins.
When the Trumpets of War are Blown, I will answer its call Bearing Forth the Holy Sword of Light.
Mystical Mage of the Elders
High Elven Archer of the Twilight Forest
~OAFS~


Tue Jul 06, 2004 11:22 am
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Stablehand

Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 2:58 pm
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Location: The Fartican!
Post 
Bonifaeces tapped his feet impatiently outside the Poopal Chamber. He had already summoned all the possible Poosaders and had even seen some of them arrive, and yet the Poop would not respond to his calls. This, however, did not mean that the hallway remained absolutely quiet...

" Ooooo...yes that is IT, my antish groom! "

Bonifaeces bit his lower-lip, this was getting rather embarassing. He just hoped none of the OAFS would ever see their spiritual leader during one of his spasms, for both his and their sake.

" I will now penetrate your Womb with my twirling-stick!! "

What happened next was a loud thump, followed by an even louder moan. Suddenly Bonifaeces was distracted, one of his scribes came running across the hallway.

" Sir, Sir! I must speak to the Poop! "

" He is occupied...leave your message with me Wynfarth! "

" It's the Poosaders, sir! They are preaparing to leave on a flying horse with two dingdongs! "

" TWO dingdongs!? "

" Yes sir..one was attached to its head! "

" A dindong attached to one's head...now there's a novelty, imagine the things one could do when one has a trained tongue and flexible nostrils..... errrr... but WHAT DID YOU SAY!!?? They are leaving!!? "

Bonifaeces wasted no time and jumped out of a window, dropped several feet and landed not too comfortably on Nagash's little toe.


Tue Jul 06, 2004 4:26 pm
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Post 
Toph shook his head as he walked through his castle. What did that mean? The rod was still missing? Toph had stopped searching for the rod ages ago, when the Order had suddenly reformed after the confusion that followed the loss of the rod. Toph had assumed that the rod had been returned and all was well. But then again... Now that Toph thought about it, the Order's ventures had been less than fortunate in the recent past, a far cry from the glories that had occured in the past.

Toph imagined that it was time to return the rod. He wondered in The Culpritz still had it. He doubted it... Unless goblins were trained, and trained well, they werent exactly the best creatures to hold onto things for long periods of time. No, Toph imagined some greater threat had taken the rod, or that the rod was just lying in a ditch on the side of the road, as horrible as that would be.

Toph reached a door and opened the door to an empty room. A purposefully empty room, where no one else went: Toph's portal room.

Toph had learned to cast a portal spell ages ago, but it was no easy matter. The spell allowed for instant transportation between two locations, however, in order to portal to a specific location, you had to have been there before, and two, know exactly what it looks like. If you didnt know exactly what the place looked like... odds were that you'd appear somewhere in the relative area, but not exactly where you wanted. The less you knew about the place, the further the radius away from the location you were thinking of you might show up. Toph had heard of mages going to places by descriptions given by others, but... Toph didnt want to end up in a wall or something... that would be a rapid end to his life right there... and there were few enough sidhe left, anyways. Thats why Toph kept this room perfectly identical, so he could return here whenever he needed to. As for his destination...

A black slit tore through the air in front of Toph, and rotated into a floating oval of blackness. Slowly Toph's destination appeared: a field outside of the Fartican's domain. Toph stepped through.

Later, Toph found himself with the others. He was glad he hadnt slipped on the... stuff on the ground all about this kingdom. It was... disturbing, to say the least.

"Hello everyone" Toph said to the others.

"Does anyone have any idea where the rod actually is?"

_________________
~OAFS' Resident Sidhe Mage~
The "EpiToph of Faith" ~Nagash


Thu Jul 08, 2004 3:45 pm
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Teh Spam!
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Nagash was about to reply to Marine's offer as some small bloke came jumping out of a window and managed to land on his little toe. After screaming in agony and cursing everything both sacred and profane, Nagash turned to the little man.

" And who may you be?!? Isonia's tits!! You nearly pulverized my poor little toe!! State your business, or I shall drown you in this gooey substance, by Foret's testicles!! "

Then, with a look of recognition:

" Bonifaeces!! What are you doing, jumping on my toe in this onanistic, cum-covered land?!? "

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Honorary title: Verena's right nipple


Tue Jul 13, 2004 7:55 am
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Marine waited for a reply from the crowd, when a man he did not recognise had just appeared at the window in the castle and had proceeded to jump out, landing next to Nagash or so it seemed. Marine looked at the man with a slight amount of curiosity building in him and after a small exchange of words between the man and Nagash, Marine asked.

"Who are you and what are you doing jumping out of windows?"

_________________
He who dares, wins.
When the Trumpets of War are Blown, I will answer its call Bearing Forth the Holy Sword of Light.
Mystical Mage of the Elders
High Elven Archer of the Twilight Forest
~OAFS~


Thu Jul 15, 2004 3:29 pm
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