Maxim Archive

OAFS vs. Dark: Sacrificing Heathens
Page 1 of 1

Author:  _Nagash_ [ Mon Dec 20, 2004 6:20 am ]
Post subject:  OAFS vs. Dark: Sacrificing Heathens

The events that had happened as of late were troubling.
It all started a while ago...

As the abbot was inspecting his monks he noticed that Brother Bob was not cleanly shaven. The abbot halted in front of him and inspected him a little bit better. Brother Bob has also been sloppy with the tying of his shoelaces: one shoe was not done according to the Monestary Rules. Shaking his head he spoke after a long sigh:

" Brother Bob! If all monk would be like you, the gods would change this land into a wasteland! What kind of monk doesn't shave? Or tie his shoelace faulty?!? It is a good thing that your brothers more or less make up for you! Go to your room, shave, tie your shoelace correctly and say 5,000 Hail Isonia's! And when you're done with that you will dust the whole library!! "

He could barely supress a grin as Brother Bob let his head hang and went to his room. Isonia would be pleased.

Or so he thought. For when he took the rest of the monks to the temple to say some Martial Prayers, the priests were in disarray. The spell had not worked. For some reason there was no answer from Isonia.

The abbot ordered his monks to start chanting to appease Isonia. After an hour the priests tried the spell again. This time, as they were speaking the words of the spell and carving the runes in the flesh of the Sacrificial Sheep, the Lightning Lances were sent to their destination, somewhere in Dardenite lands. The Chanting seemed to have worked. The prietes and the monks were relieved that all seemed to have gone right. Now all they needed to do was to summon a few Wicked Ingin. This too went as it should, and the regiment of Wicked Ingin was sent to the border.

A few months later, the abbot and all of his monks (Brother Bob now was cleanly shaven!) went to the temple. They were in a good mood, for today the war was over and all they would have to do is appease Isonia. It always pleased the monks to have nothing to do with Martial Prayers anymore. The calmness of the appeasement spells didn't put as much of a strain on them.
But their morale dropped as they arrived: the priests at the temple were panicking. Isonia hadn't answered them at all. The monks chanted to please Isonia to no avail. She didn't answer at all, not even a sign of her divine wrath.
It was then that the abbot went to see the lord of the lands: Nagash.

Nagash had heard the rumours already, but he thought that they were just that: rumours. Until his spies and the abbot came with his disturbing stories. The gods seemed to have vanished. In Dardenite lands as well as Isonian and Foretite lands there was no response. Temples were crumbling and the prophet was on a killing spree to try to bribe the gods back with blood and death.
Nagash pondered on this as he sent the abbot back home.

Ample weeks later, he marched towards the lands of Ciroc, a fellow Isonian. No longer were brothers safe from their brothers. The world seemed to have gone mad.

Nagash forged an alliance across the faiths to safeguard himself and his friends. While he was doing so, the answer to the evils became clear to him: in the lands of the Unholy Darkness had vast estates, and never had monarchies been so wealthy as the lands under the banner of the Unholy Darkness. And it made sense. Their Unholiness made them long for the end of the gods. For it there would be no divinity, there would be no holiness. And surely the gods had made the sun, so should the gods vanish, the sun would vanish in time too.

So they were behind all this! Nagash ordered for the forces to be mustered. The Order of Almighty Fishingrods would make sure that there would be no Unholy Darkness!! Instead the gods would have to return! Well, at least Isonia, Nagash didn't care much for the other two.

Thus the decision was made and a new war dawned...

Author:  Ford Prefect [ Mon Dec 20, 2004 12:29 pm ]
Post subject: 

::I wake up around noon. I open my eyes....ahhh the sun it burns. I roll over and bury my head in the pillows to block out all the light that is shining into my bedroom chamber. Then I realize I'm not alone in my room. I lift the pillows off my head and look to the left of my bed to find one of my advisers standing their::

~Good morning sir, I thought you might want to know that a group of OAF's have declared war on the Darkness~

::I spring to my feet. Staring wide eyed at my eyed::

"War we are at war how long when did the news of war arrive"

::My aid looked a little embarrassed he looked down at the floor.::

~Sir they declared war on us six hours ago~

"Six hours ago, why didn't you wake me?"

::Still looking at the floor he finally speaks::

~Well sir the last adviser you had that woke you at six in the morning you killed~

::I remember that and I smile::

"Oh yeah, damn those OAF's they always go to war way too early in the morning for my liking. You know I used to fight under their banner once. Great bunch of dudes and chicks. They do have a weird fish fetish though but to each there own I say"

::I lay back down and re-bury my head in the pillows::

~Sir, aren't we going to march to war now that you are awake~

::From under the pillows I replay::

"Go get the army ready we will attack once the sun goes down. It's still to early for me"

Author:  Joe90Uk [ Mon Dec 20, 2004 3:02 pm ]
Post subject: 

Joseph looked out across the ramparts and a grin crept accross his face,

A chance to show his minions exactly what he could achieve.

He turned to the first person he could see and ordered him to summon the warlords.

This was going to be a long, but very interesting time for a war.

Celebrations were put on hold accross his kingdom. More important matters were brewing and history had to be written

Author:  Ford Prefect [ Mon Dec 20, 2004 9:41 pm ]
Post subject: 

::I pull my head out from under the pillows::

"Ahhh night have fallen"

::The moon is so much nicer to my eyes. I remember my days when I lived in the lands of the OAF's ahh, they are some really cool and wacky characters but the early mornings killed me I couldn't handle it. But now I have found my home with the Darkness and its time for me to rule over some of the OAF's lands again. But this time I will take them by means of war. My army is already gathered waiting for my order. We march out and meet the heathens under the cover of the night::

"The blood we spill tonight under this moon is for Darden, may he awaken and feel our prayers again and once again bless our lands"

::I march back to my kingdom which is now almost ten thousand acres larger. I hope the heathen blood I spilled tonight will make Darden happy, will make him bless us again::

Author:  _Nagash_ [ Tue Dec 21, 2004 9:24 am ]
Post subject: 

As he rode inside the biggest port in a realm of Unholy Darkness, he dismounted and climbed atop the walls. Bodies lay sprawled here and the stench that accompanied battlefields was strong.
The orders for his soldiers were clear. They seemed inhuman, but this situation needed to be handled. It was unthinkable for the sun to disappear.
Crops would wither, livestock would die first and then millions and millions of people would starve. Anarchy would break out.

Near him a soldier of Unholy Darkness groaned. Nagash took up a dagger, pulled the severely wounded man up close to him and whispered:

" Die, you wretch! "

He then plunged his dagger in the man's chest and hurled him off the rampants. Looking over his shoulder, he saw the onslaught happen and he pointed up to the heavens with his dagger.

" Hear me, gods of Tonan!! Return to us!! Today I give you this sacrifice of many souls and tomorrow I shall offer you even more!! "

Once again, there was not a single sign from the gods. Not even an old-fashioned thunderbolt striking down someone or something.

Appearently the gods needed more souls...

Author:  Ford Prefect [ Tue Dec 21, 2004 10:18 pm ]
Post subject: 


::Another afternoon waking up to hear of reports of Nagash's armies running rampant in the land of the Darkness. Well on the good side I didn't wake up till four in the afternoon, and night is soon coming. Another good point is that the heathen's haven't attacked me yet. But of course I don't think my guildmates are doing as well. And the only reason why I probably haven't been attacked yet is well cause my kingdom isn't big enough yet to be worth attacking::

"OK lets go get some new blood for Darden"

::I climb out of bed and climb onto a horse. It was another glorious night of shedding heathen blood. I hope this will bring happiness back to Darden. Now I must go back to sleep. I know those OAF's will wake up at the butt-crack of dawn and attack my guildmates and I but who wants to get up that early to defend their lands. If they want my lands before ten in the morning they can have them...its too damn early for fighting. Only heathens obsessed with fish attack that early they are all mad...mad I tell you...crazy mad::

Author:  Joe90Uk [ Wed Dec 22, 2004 2:05 pm ]
Post subject: 

"My liege, the peasants are partying, and calling for you."

Joseph looked out the window, the amassed throng of the crowd were in jubilant mood, and as soon as they saw him at the window, cried up to him

Hail Joseph, Hail Joseph

The celebrations were going to go on for at least another few days, with more food and wine being consumed than ever possible.

There were two reasons for the festivities....

The first was the celebration of the fish fryers union - their annual award ceremony (hence the food)

and also the news that the armies had brought the benefits of fish to more acres of the heathen lands

Author:  _Nagash_ [ Mon Dec 27, 2004 5:33 am ]
Post subject: 

One of the two still-standing huge bastions of the Unholy Darkness had no fallen. How did this happen, one might wonder. Wasn't it defended by legions and legions of Undines, standing on the walls of forts?

Indeed it was. That was why the Order of Almighty Fishingrods decided to take up different arms against this foe. First they had burned all towns, so that people were forced to live with the soldiers in the fortresses.

With the lack of markets and other trading-places, the people of said realm were forced to buy their food from other realms. This was where the genius of the plan set in.

The spies and saboteurs of the Order of Almighty Fishingrods had disguised themselves as vegetable-salesmen and sold all kinds of vegetables to the people of the Unholy Darkness. How were they to know that these Turnips, Cucumbers and Carrots were poisoned?

After the first few deaths the leader of the realm acted with panick. He fired his whole army and used the money he didn't have to pay his armies to hire scores and scores of thieves, spies and saboteurs. This, ofcourse, was a fatal mistake of the despot. 47.500 acres were now virtually undefended. Farmers and merchants now manned the walls that were still being assaulted by the armies of the Rod. During the selling of poisoned vegetables the attacks were probingly. But how could one not see the exodus of battle-hardened soldiers under a white flag?
Indeed, many even joined the attacking forces, angry with their loss of job and betrayal by their once-lord, seeking for vengeance.

Thus the armies of Nagash were able to overrun the defenses of said realm. When the morale of the enemy was low, he pulled back and took his armies home. Settlers and occupying forces were brought in and Nagash sent a letter to DarkWolf.

Dear DarkWolf,

I have finally taken control of a fair share of the lands of the one called Jaerund Bloodhammer. The idiot fired his army. If you are in need of some nice new estates, be sure to pay his remaining land a visit. According to my estimations, about 20.000 acres are left, and the land is quite nice. I have seldom seen so many a waterfall.



Author:  Ford Prefect [ Mon Dec 27, 2004 12:31 pm ]
Post subject: 

"The days are too long...too long indeed. And the nights are too short. This war still wages on we make our attacks nightly and they make their attacks in the first hours of the morning. They take down our largest kingdoms we kill their smallest. When will it end. When will I be large enough for them to attack me"

::I look over a few reports quickly. Checking the other kingdoms in the guild and looking at our much stronger heathen enemies::

"Well I am still not the largest by far but I'm working my way up the list. Which normally would be a good thing but the larger I get the closer I get to becoming a target. When will I be the largest kingdom left in Dark...When will I be the next to fall"

::I go out and try to make my kingdom stronger, more able to restand a heathen attack::

Author:  _Nagash_ [ Tue Dec 28, 2004 8:38 am ]
Post subject: 

The last bastion of resistance had fallen. Almost sixty-thousand acres were there for the taking after Kenchan had broken the enemy lines and massacred the defending armies. Swiftly after this had happened DarkWolf and Syphus also brought their armies in, and the lords of the Order of Almighty Fishingrods divided the lands as seemed appropriate after so long a battle. This enemy had been resisting most ferociously and brave. But their cause was unjust.

Nagash decided to write a letter to Ford Prefect, the renegade Isonian and Cucumber Colonel.

Dear Ford,

Your plans to make the gods disappear will be thwarted. When you look in the kingdoms that fly under your banner you'll see a lot of sacrificial slaughter. I do not know what you and your boss Chains have done to make the gods so irate that all three of them went away and take away all abilities of sorcery as well.
But I am sure the blood and souls the Order of Almighty Fishingrods offer them will appease them eventually. Then they will return and you of the Unholy Darkness will be faithless, homeless and despised by all because of your plot to make the gods go away and thus strive for your Unholy Darkness.

Unveil the wicked plans you had and yours will be a lighter ordeal.

Ta ta!


Author:  Ford Prefect [ Wed Dec 29, 2004 6:16 pm ]
Post subject: 

::I read Nagash's letter. I flip it over and then back again...that's it no picture's Nagash nows I like pictures to go along with my fairy tales that I read::

"Ha, does he actually think we are responsible for the gods leaving. Now I do have the ability of scaring of women so maybe I scared the goddess Isonia off, but Lord Darden and Foret I had nothing to do with thier leaving"

::I sit down and write a letter to Nagash::

~Dear Nagash (master of his small rod and little reels catcher of only the ugliest of fish),

How ya doing? Look I know you have this crazy idea that The Unholy Darkness is somehow responsible for the gods leaving. Truely we are all flattered that you think so highly of us. But as far as we know we had nothing to do with it. I myself have been known to make the fair ladies leave taverns before but never have I made an impact on the gods (I've never been that powerful, although sometimes I might talk as though I am). As far as we know the gods left because of the OAF's, maybe the god got tired of watching you guys play with your rods all day. But all kidd'n asside this war has gone on long enough. What we are doing is having no effect on the gods so there is no reason to continue with this fight. Let the peace begin and maybe with peace the gods will return. Good luck to you and your people I wish you the best and hope that maybe with peace the gods will become happy and return.

Yours truely,
Ford Prefect~

Page 1 of 1 All times are UTC - 5 hours
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group