Most Difficult Thing I Will Ever Have To Do (Advice)

[Reylan Talonspyre]

My friend of 10 years, the man who was instrumental in my college degree, first serious and long term relationship, countless years of both good and bad advice, a member of my family, a brother, a confidant, has one week to a month to live. He is loosing his battle with leukemia and I am going tomorrow afternoon with a hundred other friends and family I helped organize to visit him.

I am the person his sister turned too to get all his friends the info about his impending death. He doesn't know yet, but I am sure he will soon as people start arriving out of the blue. My buddy and my ex-girlfriend (the one he walked me through that lasted 2 years) and one of our mutual friends, will be visiting tomorrow.

We don't know how to approach it. Patrick Sullivan has meant more to us than any of us know how to tell him. I personally have told him everything he ever needed to know. I plan to just listen and be quiet for a change of pace.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. He represents my entire adult life and most of it the best parts. Miss him? Fuck, I am still not so sure I can do this without him.

I am just beyond distraught. Here is a man in his late 30s being given another week to a month (doctors think more like a week). How do I interact with a man whom I consider a brother (not shitting, just like a brother) and maintain composure when he may not even be aware of his fate? I am scared. Not because he may find out, that will happen one way or another. I am scared of what life will be like without him. I am scared because he is the one thing that was always there, we thought we would grow old together, marry women, have retarded children, maybe even go to law school together.

I wish I was exaggerating. Everyone is walking on egg shells, more concerned about me than him. I tell them to worry for him. Pray for him. VISIT him.

So many people he has touched and driven to better things.

So many memories I refuse to let my mind lock onto because I am so fucking afraid of my reaction.

They say he is going away.

I am asking for a fucking miracle. Just this once.




Sorry, I gotta go. Either way, how should I handle this? Honest to God, I am at a loss.

Anything.

Thank you.

[Venus]

i have no experience with this kind of thing. i cant even imagine this happening to my best friend<i have one like u describe except shes been with me since 6th grade.so 24 years or so>
but i would think he would want you to treat him normally. im sure everyone is being real careful with him and walking on eggshells as u say they are with you

i think maybe u just need to spend time with him and act like old times. maybe not treat him like hes going to lose the battle? Normalcy may be just what will console him right now..

again, i have no experience, so i dunno if u should really listen to me, im sure there are others here who would know better than me.

[Teanos]

Dude that sucks. Sorry to hear about your brother. I think you already answered your question though. Treat him just like you described him, as your best friend and brother. When you get there you will know what to do, its really hard to explain but in situations like this no real advise anyone can give you is going to be the 'end all be all' answer. You will just naturally understand and it will go from there.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you or your family.

[Reylan Talonspyre]

I am not fine. I am going to loose part of myself. A big part.

I am better than I was yesterday. The reality sat in and then, finally, I could smile about the great times we have had together. Epic adventures. Everything. I will survive this.

I agree with you Venus, after talking with his sister, she said the same thing, just be yourself. He won't be too talkative because of the drugs they have him on. I just wonder why they haven't brought him home to die. I guess I will find that out too.

I find it is easier to try and be the rock for my friends who are going with me. Heather is a mess. Mike is a mess too. Well, everyone, no matter how long we knew that a day like this was coming, is shocked. I guess we all just hoped the treatments would work. They didn't.

Thank you for everything. I appreciate it.

I am just going to wing it. Seems to be the word of the day for everyone LOL.

[Teanos]

Might sound pussyish but when you mentioned the epic aventures and stuff you remember - you should write that stuff down. While we clown on you alot for the long winded posts you make, you really are a pretty good writer.

[TEVA]

Speaking from experience ... I treat my hubby like there is nopthing goign on but I also have cried in front of him expressing how much Iam going ot miss him.
My hubby and I talk about the past things we have done toghter and things we will like to do before that time comes.
Just be your self and cry if you need too.

[Nato]

Actually, my friend's uncle is dying of leukemia right now. He'll be gone soon.

Recently, she wrote a beautiful diary entry about a moment with him and her nephews feeding him popsicles and ice chips. He was smiling in spite of everyone's sadness and telling everyone else to be strong.

It's time to focus on the love. Everyone's love for your bff. Focus on seeing past everyone's pain, your own pain, and appreciate the love around you. As a nurse friend of mine said, some of her favorite patients have been the ones who are dying because right outside of the sadness is an intense beauty in the way everyone can come together.

[losmar]

Write.
Make a book of everyone's memories.
Visit him, the friends & family.
Carry on with the example he set with you.
Live.

[owly]

Bring a camcorder and you will always remember atleast you have a few minz to remember him in case over time you forget what he looks like as memory fails........

i'm so sorry for you Reyrey, when i lost my dad(who also was my best friend) i was a weck for two straight week. The whole two weeks i was inebriated. i still cry sometimes when i think of him........

[Gerien]

I *do* have experience with this. (Watched my boyfriend die from non-hodgkins lymphoma.) Set yourself aside and remember it's about him right now. You'll have chance to grieve later. Be there for him now.

[Reylan Talonspyre]

Thank you all. Your stories and suggestions are extremely helpful.

Gerien, that is very true. I went to visit him at Northwestern University Hospital Thursday. I brought my friends with and met with his family. His mother said that he was waiting for me to get there. He was not expecting the 100+ people my gabby little mouth was able to organize and send there as well.

He didn't know he had only a short time left. His family kept it away from him. No matter how much we all say, "Oh he knew." I know Pat. He didn't know. It was odd because his family and nurses were surprised that he was able to just sit there for hours talking with all of us like it was one of our late night coffee talks at one of our 24 hour restaurants.

I forgot completely he was dying. In fact, everyone did, for a time. When we were done watching "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side" we headed for the door. He had not dozed off once during that time. I told him I would try and make it back to see him soon. He gave air hugs to his "little girl", my ex-girlfriend, and then seemed to be ready for sleep, giving me the buddy gag the entire way out of the room.

Discussions included (but were not limited too):

Why are you in the Prentice Women's Hospital?
Have you started wetting the bed? Why haven't you? You know you can, right, and they have to clean it up?
Are there any hot nurses? Yvonne? Carol? No? What about on other floors?
Why is there a sign on your door clearly stating, "Do not enter unless visitor is in possession of Guinness."?
Why did Reylan invite so many people? (Yeah, I lied and said we were just worried about him.)
Why is his phone coded so everyone has a nick name ... I am Douchebag. Mike is Ass Sweat (his ass does sweat profusely). Of course Heather is "Heather". What a dick.

We had a good time. We were all kind of stunned. He was awake, alive, just a little out of it because of the painkillers. His sister sent me a text saying that even though his chances were slim, he would be the miracle. I couldn't lie, I agreed. Maybe all he needed was to see everyone and remember we are all thinking about him. Maybe there was hope.

At around 12 AM that night, his heart, lungs, and kidneys began to fail. He was plagued by nosebleeds and vomiting. The doctors switched out medications immediately. He isn't as awake and able to communicate as he was that day. People have already began the preparations for the end. His family still hasn't told him, but if I know Pat, he knows but is keeping a stiff upper lip for his mom, nephews and nieces.

I relayed the message quickly on Friday morning. If people were going to see him, it had to be now or Saturday morning. From the way his sister was talking, it seemed he might not make it the weekend. He is still fighting, but I am past the stage of hope and into the realization my best friend is not going to make it.

Some may say that this is sad beyond belief. My joyous ex-girlfriend turned best friend, Heather, couldn't even come out to the bar last night for a meeting with friends to toast our dearest and most instrumental friend Pat. She said she needed to be alone, it was killing her on the inside. She sat at home, crying. Heather has never shown grief like that before. I was beside myself.

Others, remember that last day, when it was business as usual for the rest of us. We are blessed to have seen him and talked with him like old times.

If there is one observation that I have made about this whole experience, it is that we, as a large and unwieldy group of friends, are going to change. And it will be change for the better. Already feuds are coming to a halt, people are remembering why we all hung out, what it is that kept us together. We are remembering people long gone (distance and communication wise) who we have not made contact with.

We are emulating Pat. He was always the man of second, third, and even twenty-fifth chances. He never gave up on a friend. When he did, it was because he knew he couldn't help anymore.

We will all change because we never thought it would happen.

Since he knew about all of you, he heard my stories about all of you, whether from the bash or from a war, he remembered names of all of you, saw pictures of some of you, and vowed to marry Portia because he loved tall redheaded chicks. He is as Irish as they come, besides people from Ireland.

He will be remembered forever and I will wait to join him on a new epic adventure after I am done here.


Picture: Me, Pat, Mike

Mike is the same one who dated the really young chick and tried to date my bartender.

Pat is the leader of the "old friends".

That should put some background, though rather dramatic, to who they are.

[losmar]

Good tale.

Remember that talk is cheap; giving us but one reason amongst so many to keep on communicating. You seem to strike a good balance between the various modes. Keep it up.

[Reylan Talonspyre]

I will definitely keep it up.

I talk a lot. I can also write a lot.

Because I am 50% Italian I can also do furtive hand signals to indicate danger or scratch myself in various places to indicate comfort or pleasure.

[tubs]

We are emulating Pat. He was always the man of second, third, and even twenty-fifth chances. He never gave up on a friend. When he did, it was because he knew he couldn't help anymore.

A fine way to immortalize your friend.

[Venus]

He even looks like he's a cheerful person, from the picture. I'm sorry you both are going through this. i can't even imagine it happening to my best friend.

[Nato]

High five, dude.

[losmar]

I totally would've high fived the guy. High fives rock!

Also, it seems mostly only Americans understand the awesomeness of high fives... I'm converting some frogs though... slowly.

[owly]

High five is a signal for smoking dope

Atleast in my circles

[BetaFlame]

Hey man.

I've been looking at this for awhile, wondering what to say to you.

But there isn't really anything to say, is there?

Hang tough.

[Captain Ron]

Hang in there Reylan. It can't be easy to see someone that you love hurting/dying like that. Everyone has lost someone, but that experience is different for everyone, and different every time it happens. I know that this community cares about the people in it, and when you hurt we hurt.

I've been working at a Hospice for almost 3 months. I don't work directly with the patients because I'm just an IT guy, but I get to see how they interact with their patients. If his family hasn't thought/talked about Hospice care then I hope they do soon. Nurses and Doctors really do care about you. It's crazy how much goes on that I did not realize before. There are support groups out there for family and friends. Just be with him, talk to him. Remind him of the crazy shit you pulled, or just laugh.

I'll be thinking about you buddy.